Yesterday afternoon I sent my cats to sleep.

Morpheus was 17 (18 in December), and Shasta was 15 (16, also in December). There are many things I could write, and one day I will. But for now, I am sad and relieved.

It was done with kindness, it was done in love.

What do you do now that you achieved your goals?

This thought came to me yesterday as I was puttering around the house and it seemed that it was at the core of my recent ‘down’ mood; or at least an adjunct to the reason. What do I do now?

The portions of my goals that have not been attained are our of my hands (e.g. becoming well-known in the pagan world, be invited to speak at events) as they are dependent on other’s opinions and perspectives. I now refer to myself (with humor!) as the most widely-published pagan no one has ever heard of. Although I suppose I must admit that what I write about may just bore others to tears.

In the meantime I live debt-free, in a house I own and can afford on my own but with the aid of my partner will be paid off in 1/2 the time. I have a job I mostly enjoy where I can use my abilities to their limits and am compensated appropriately. I have a loving partner who thinks I’m the bees knees. I live in a beautiful place of the world. My coven is growing tighter and stronger with each crisis met and defused. My students are fascinating and the new module program is working out the way we’d hoped. (Maybe even better.)

I am respected by people *I* respect — Taylor Ellwood, Lupa, Macha Nightmare, Barbara Ardinger, Christopher Penczak . . .

My health is good (if not perfect). My friends and family are doing well, and are good people who I can love and learn from.

I’ve written, and published, two books that may not be smashing successes, but are unique and interesting and good (darn it!) as well as well-written. No one can ever say that I’ve re-written what was already ‘out there’.

I speak in public (overcoming that fear) and am enjoyed by the audience.

So many blessings, why so sad?

Perhaps because I have achieved those external goals that I set out for myself. I still have some goals (the usual things, like lose weight, do yoga every day, etc.) but the big ones, the ones other’s would notice have all been achieved. Am I really feeling like ‘there isn’t anything left’?

That is absurd.

But insidious, and perhaps correct. I am reminded of a book title, it goes something like: “After Enlightenment, the Laundry.” Can I just keep on doing the laundry? Will it be enough to keep me satisfied.

From “Thank God for the Minneapolis Bridge Collapse” — found at Reverend Phelps’ “God Hates Fags” website:

“We know Minneapolis and Minnesota very well having picketed there many times. Twice they stole our picket signs — violently, and right out of our hands — on the public sidewalk in front of The Basilica of St. Mary, 88 N. 17th St., Minneapolis, MN – as the police looked on and laughed. Typical Minnesotans. We want our property back. That area of Minneapolis is like the fag-dominated Castro District of San Francisco. There are no First Amendment rights in Minneapolis, because all fags are filthy and lawless (2 Pet. 2:7,8). They died at the Bridge for the fag sins of Minneapolis in persecuting WBC s missionaries. Worse and more is coming from the Lord our God. Better give our signs back.”

Protest the protestors. Let the dead rest in peace.

I no longer have the most eclectic musical taste of any one I know . . . but my interests are varied and wide-ranging. More to the point, I keep it on hand in a variety of formats, so I rarely ever listen to an album, or an artist.

Instead, I mostly listen to my ‘hell mix’ . This is when I turn my 400-CD changer (yes, four-zero-zero) on random and let it play whatever comes up. Or, when I’m working on my computer, I choose my entire musical collection and let it play random songs. (My entire collection is those 400 CDs, plus a bunch of music I don’t think is great for company — like the five Gabrielle Roth albums I own. Good to listen to in a variety of settings, but not when you are trying to have a conversation. I keep it all on 500gb drive.)

My computer’s music player has a ‘rating’ system, so I can indicate, track by track, how much I like it, and presumably how often I want to hear it in the future. This is a small feature, but very cool. Because while I like a lot of Prince, there are tracks he’s done that I find odious. A comment that can be made about many many artists.

Having my music on the computer means that one of my favorite activities is incredibly easy: making albums. Ever since I got my first tape recorder and albums I’ve been making albums of my own collections of music. I usually start with a theme and then go from there.

For example: last year I put together ‘Summer heat: 2006’.

  • Ready for Action: Crystal Method
  • Black Sun: Dead Can Dance
  • Flamethrower: J. Geils Band
  • Summer Wine: The Corrs (featuring Bono)
  • Miami: Will Smith
  • Burning Down the House: The Talking Heads
  • Lemon Firebrigade: Haircut 100
  • Summer Daze: Luscious Jackson
  • Honey: Venus Hum
  • Burn: Sister Machine Gun
  • Manic Star: Conjure One
  • Dogs of Lust: The The
  • Black Dog: Tracy Bonham
  • Summer Breeze: Type O Negative
  • You Sexy Thing: Tom Tom Club
  • Beds Are Burning: Midnight Oil
  • World in My Eyes: Depeche Mode
  • Euphoria (Firefly): Delerium
  • Get the Party Started: Pink
  • Bodyrock: Moby

Twenty songs, 80 mins of joy. As weird a collection as it is, it works.