Category Archives: humor

The Origin of Pets

The Origin of Pets

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, “Where do pets come from?”

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a GOOD animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After awhile, it came to pass the Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”

And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

~ © John Mark Ministries.

Articles may be reproduced in any medium, without applying for permission

A Fascinating Article

“Body Ritual among the Nacirema”
by Horace Miner

Most cultures exhibit a particular configuration or style. A single value or pattern of perceiving the world often leaves its stamp on several institutions in the society. Examples are “machismo” in Spanish-influenced cultures, “face” in Japanese culture, and “pollution by females” in some highland New Guinea cultures. Here Horace Miner demonstrates that “attitudes about the body” have a pervasive influence on many institutions in Nacirema society.

The anthropologist has become so familiar with the diversity of ways in which different people behave in similar situations that he is not apt to be surprised by even the most exotic customs. In fact, if all of the logically possible combinations of behavior have not been found somewhere in the world, he is apt to suspect that they must be present in some yet undescribed tribe. The point has, in fact, been expressed with respect to clan organization by Murdock.[2] In this light, the magical beliefs and practices of the Nacirema present such unusual aspects that it seems desirable to describe them as an example of the extremes to which human behavior can go.

Continue reading

Brand New Pain Scale

I’ve been spending a lot of time in medical establishments lately and they all have some version of this:

You’ve probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is my interpretation of the chart:

0: Ha ha!  I’m not wearing any pants!

2: Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4: Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6: I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?

8: The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10: You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying!

None of that is medically useful and it doesn’t even have all the numbers, so I made a better one with all the numbers:

0: Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don’t know why I’m even here.
1: I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.
2: I probably just need a Band Aid.
3: This is distressing.  I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.
4: My pain is serious!
5: Why is this happening to me??
6: Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.
7: I see Jesus coming for me and I’m scared.
8: I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.
9: I am almost definitely dying.
10: I am actively being mauled by a bear.
11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.
Too Serious For Numbers: You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.


The End of an Era!

Today, at a crucial moment, the end of an era arrived. My food processor, a sturdy though not-much-used workhorse died.

I was pulsing flour and butter together for a few seconds at a time, barely starting the task to make dough. It just went ‘click’ and then  . . . nothing.

Needless to say, I had to finish by hand. (Ouch.)

I guess now I need to decide how much I was actually using that food processor, and for what. Do I really need to replace it? Will a replacement be better, and make me use it more?

Hmmm . . . .

EDIT: The reason its the end of an era is that I got this appliance in the early ’90s. So, I’ve had 20 years out of it.

Tiredness, FTW!

Yes, that is my attempt at humor.

Yesterday — Saturday — I worked a 10 hour day. We have a big project going to the client (hard deadline) on Tuesday and they are still writing one portion of it. One of my ‘hats’ is report production, so I went in to take all of the other portions of the report and make them pretty. This is after working a normal week.

It’s an important job: the client pays us a lot of money to do our work ($50k to $500k), but all they see are invoices until they see our report. The report has to be worth, visually, what they paid. So I stress — BIG time — when the process is getting weirder than usual, and there is no time left to make the report look good.

Because J. is visiting his parents this weekend I have Sasha care. (Quick note: J’s mom is doing great. She’s in a rehab facility in their hometown, so Dad can live at home and her friends can visit her. She’s progressing well, and they’ve set a tentative ‘go home’ date for her in a couple of weeks.)  So I took her with me, hoping it wouldn’t be *that* long a day.

She had a lot of fun, I think, although she continues to have problems with ‘strange’ men. So there was a lot of barking (especially when they called me on the speaker phone — a new thing for her). And a little submissive peeing (boring!). But mostly she just hung out. Played a bit, napped a bit, the usual.

I wish I had my camera with me. One of her napping places was on my ‘visitor’ chairs. She doesn’t really fit . . . but she made it work.

Moreover, I have not been sleeping well. I’m off sleeping pills, but still sleeping only on one side. Which is really messing with my lower back, shoulder, and legs. Essentially, the whole right side. We have a ‘tempur-pedic’ type bed unfolding and de-gassing in the living room, but it will be a few days before I can sleep on it (the smell alone is horrid). I’m really (REALLY) hoping it will do the trick of supporting me on my side. As it is I have a whole battalion of pillows: one under my head to support my neck, one across my middle so my left arm doesn’t drag down on the BLO, one in front of me to hold my arm up further and to provide an illusion of being on my stomach (which is how I used to sleep), and one to put across my head/face if I get cold or am lying on my back.

Oh, it’s great fun.

I think I need to cut coffee out of my diet completely, because I know that my old habit of two cups will now keep me from falling asleep. And one cup might be doing it as well. In any case, I have a hard time falling asleep when I go to bed at 10pm.  Sasha, however, is full of vim and vigor at 6am, so that’s when I get up.

J. comes in at midnight tonight, and I’ll pick him up. I doubt I’ll sleep past 6am tomorrow, and with work stress  . . . suffice it to say that I doubt I’ll get a lot of sleep tonight, either. I’m strongly contemplating a nap. Yes, a nap.

(*looks to see if the 5th seal to the gates of hell has come off*)

Wednesday Silliness: Sasha with ‘duck’

Because this picture makes me laugh.

She really doesn’t like her picture taken, for one. For another, she doesn’t understand why J. is taking so long to throw the duck into the water so she can keep playing!

The white rope is about 6 ft long and attached to her collar. We need it because sometimes she likes to play ‘keep away’ and that is not acceptable.