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“It doesn’t matter” or “It won’t make a difference” – these two phrases are keywords for me, they indicate that I am, effectively, depressed and not in my right mind. I try to hear myself when I say them, because they can help me break a pattern of sabotage before it gets too messy.

Unfortunately, I have evidence from my life that those phrases are, in fact, correct. Two examples:

Right now I am working out 4-5 times a week, for an hour a time, doing a variety of things. My eating is the same, or better (in terms of quality and variety) than it was a year ago. Yet I remain the same weight.

Both of my books are good. I’d venture to say that Magickal Connections is even great. Both sold horribly, despite my doing a pretty good (with no publisher) support of writing articles, building a fan base, and making appearances.  So, I did what I was supposed to do, and got no reward.

2 Responses to “MDMS: My Rationalizations for Ruining Something Good”

  1. on 26 Jul 2012 at 5:39 pm Lorena

    I have a few thoughts for you on this post, but I don’t want to share them unless you’d actually like feedback and suggestions.

    Although I will say that I think you are incredibly brave posting this series, and some of the other things you have posted on this blog. I wish I had the courage to share so much of myself.

  2. on 29 Jul 2012 at 12:49 pm lisa

    I have a role model: my friend Diana (dianarajchel.com) Sometimes I think — what if soemone reads this and thinks less of me? And then I relaize, I guess I don’t think much of *them* if so. Besides, this way I may actually *help* someone, and that matters a great deal.

    As for feedback: I welcome it!

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