To: All Employees
Re: New Management Style
The owner of this company has told HR to increase productivity by eliminating unproductive behaviors among employees. We have therefore developed a new mandated management style which is spelled out in the Micro Management Policy, effective immediately.
Micro Management Policy
Employees are to comply with all management orders, no matter how contradictory or unreasonable the employee feels it is. Management always knows better. Complaining about management, even in the breakroom, is strictly prohibited and will not be tolerated.
Employees will be required to wear a bracelet with a monitoring microchip. This microchip will allow management to monitor employees at all times using a new computer program. The program ‘listens’ for foul language, key words (like the names of managers), and youtube videos. It also tracks employees movements. Employees who attempt to remove their microchip or hide it in a bar of soap like Tom Hank’s character did in the movie The DaVinci Code will be terminated immediately and escorted off company property.
As an adjunct to the microchip, and because management does not trust employees, all employees will need to keep a detailed log of their daily activities. These logs need to include every single action performed during the course of every work day regardless of how small it is. That means that if you have to blow your nose, it must be logged. If you need to get a cup of coffee, log that (including the time spent asking for permission to leave your desk).
Any time an employee wishes to leave their desk, they must ask permission from management. This includes mandatory meetings, breaks, and leaving for the day. All time spent away from your desk during work hours must be recorded. This data will be used to determine individual efficiency as well as to set standards for future activities. (For example, if a trip to get a cup of coffee averages out to 5 minutes, we will create a policy that allows for 4 minutes to do so.) Management will use this information to make a determination if employees are wasting time. Time wasters will be subject to discipline up to and including termination.
As part of this new mandated management style, employees are no longer allowed to speak unless spoken to by a member of management. To distinguish management for employees, all employees will be required to wear a purple cape at all times while on the company premises.
Any employee found without their purple cape will be terminated. Employees who accidentally spill their lunch on their purple cape and make a stain, will be required to immediately report to HR and will be required to buy a replacement cape (current price $50). The stained cape may not be removed until after the new cape is securely donned.
HR is looking forward to the increased production that will result after implementation of this policy.
(original created by Miss Blu and posted at SHRM.)