Category Archives: Dear Diary

Thanksgiving 2009

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I have several good friends coming over in a few hours, each bringing an item for our potluck Thanksgiving. J. is cooking his first turkey, and attempting a wilted spinach salad, I’m making my signature smashed potatoes (1/2 sweet, 1/2 regular, easy on the butter), and cranberry sauce. My pumpkin butter canning plan went awry (no jars!), so I also have a pumpkin bundt cake to offer.

Throughout the day I’ll be calling and talking with family. We all have a great deal to be thankful for, this year more so than others.

I am profoundly grateful for the man I love and share my life with, for my true friends far away and near, for my exasperating, glorious family, and for the Lord and Lady who give me challenges I must stretch to achieve.

Blessed Be.

Time Machine: 11/13, part 1

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Friday the 13th! Today is very weird, not only because I woke up in a hospital, but because I have large gap in my memory of yesterday. I rely on my memory a great deal, having gaps is fairly distressing, even if I know why. In a way, it gives me a glimpse into why people with amnesia freak out so badly, it must be incredibly disorienting, frightening.

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Improving by leaps and bounds

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Yesterday was a banner day in two ways:

1. I was able to increase the time between meds from 2 hrs to 2.5 hrs. Without pain or discomfort.

2. I was able to go for a walk TWICE. The evening walk was especially beautiful. No rain, just very windy and it had warmed up quite a bit. The air smelled so good and fresh, it was intoxicating. The second walk left me tired, but invigorated.

I have begun dreaming again. I’ve been having ‘dreams’ almost every night, but last night was the first time my dreams were . . . shall we say? relevant? . . . When I begin to dream of myself as missing a breast I will know I have assimilated a new self-image. In the meantime, I’m talking to beings again and having colorful adventures. (I dream in color, generally.)

Today . . . today has been a joy, and it’s barely begun. I had a shower, and J. washed my hair. It was awkward and a bit messy, but I feel truly clean for the first time in a week. (I smell better, too.)

Sitting at a computer is still a bit of an effort. My mental acuity is fairly low, and my motor skills are also slower than usual. Not being able to move my left arm is more debilitating than I expected. Working around it often produces a cramp in the left shoulder, about mid-blade. One of my tasks today is to look into gentle stretching exercises I can do to restore full movement in the left arm.

I’m going to go for a walk while it’s not raining.

last thoughts

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As I ready myself for sleep, I find myself calmer, but still uncertain.

I’ll write more on this later, but I have been ‘sitting with’ the idea that this process is very much like that of being pregnant, and giving birth.(Which is why the ‘abandoned but still having the child imagery from J. yesterday was so particularly apt in the moment.) Like any soon to be mother, I have fears that can not be allayed.

Laffingkat said it well in her comment to me yesterday: I may never be sure, but waiting won’t help. Labor will be induced tomorrow, the only way out is through.

I feel strong, and supported. So many of you have stepped forward, old friends and comrades have written to say they will be thinking of me. Magic is being worked, prayers sent, and positive vibes sent. I am in as good a place as possible, and I feel it.

The next post should be from J. to let y’all know what he knows, tomorrow night or Friday morning. I don’t know when I’ll be online again (certainly not until I’m no longer on serious pain meds — although y’all might be heartily amused by my ramblings. 🙂

Until then — thank you. Thank you for your generosity, your care, and your compassion. My friends and loved ones have proven their worth and I am humbled and ennobled all at once.

I feel blessed, and that is a very good way to be in this moment, in this time.

Samhain Ritual

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Speak the following lines out loud:

I love everything about me
I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain
I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing
I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself

~from Rob Breszney’s Promoia

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Plain Beauty, Disguised Power

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I’m not usually a fan of Rob Brezsny, but this week’s horoscope for Virgo strongly resonated with me:

“The more beautiful the bird, the poorer the singer,” wrote L. M. Boyd. “Peacocks scream, macaws screech. Birds of Paradise croak.” Among the most interesting singers, on the other hand, are birds that are far less spectacular in appearance: the Black-capped Chickadee, the Willow Thrush, and the White-throated Sparrow. Keep that in mind as you navigate your way through the coming week’s dilemmas. My personal inclination is to favor inspiring singing over comely appearance, but you may have a different bias. The important thing is to recognize the nature of the options before you. Halloween costume suggestion: Incorporate the themes of plain beauty, secret genius, disguised power, and open secrets.

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TV and Movies: Occupying my Time

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Last week, in preparation for my surgery, which is now postponed a month, I increased my Netflix account to 8 DVDs (from 3). Much I’ve what I watch on Netflix is old TV shows — La Femme Nikita, Highlander, etc. — and I’ve been enjoying the 1st season of The Profiler. Burn Notice’s1st season continues to be truly magnificent, with the BEST EVER season finale. I may remember all of the plot lines, but I’m still enjoying the ride. I think I have Dexter coming in this next week.

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