Category Archives: Dear Diary

Zen fool

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I found this in a planner I’ve used since 1994. I have no idea where I found it — but I know I didn’t write it originally. What an interesting thing I told myself, back then.

Zen Fool:  A Fool is one who goes on trusting;  A Fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience.  You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say he is a Fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it.

Be a Fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zeb sense. Don’t try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously;  go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, here-now, as if just born, just a babe.

In the beginning it is going to be difficult. The World will start taking advantage of you…let them.  They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you. And each time you do not allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside.  Your Soul will become more Crystallized.

Welcome Sasha!

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It’s a new year, and we decided to celebrate by taking in a puppy. Everyone, meet Sasha.

She's always in motion

As you can see, she’s always in motion. Except when the puppy energy runs out and she falls asleep.

sleeping Sasha

Sasha is a pure-bred (but not registered) black Lab (Labrador Retriever). Born on September 9, she is just under 8 weeks old, and a Virgo. To give you an idea of her size, the ‘Kong’ chewtoy in this next picture is about 3 inches long.

She was very quiet the first night, and seems content to sleep in her crate (which is big enough for the dog she will eventually become) and chew on her toys. She seems to be teething and so we’re really having to stay on top of the ‘don’t bite’ lessons. Her grasp of potty training is . . . variable. Ah well — we humans don’t do as well when we’re her age either.

It’s very exciting, and overwhelmingly cute.

’tis the Season

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Two years ago, and just about a week more, my father’s wife died. Her passing was gentle, but her decline was not.

On Saturday, October 20th, my mother’s father died. He died peacefully and with only a gentle exhalation of breath to mark his passing. His oldest daughter was reading to him at the time. His decline into death was marked by increasingly ‘crazy’ behavior on his part and his admittance into the hospital was at the request of my grandmother, to keep him (and her) safe from his dementia.

With my grandfather’s passing, I will have attended three funerals in the last five years (my father’s father was the first , in March 2003) and there are no more males in that generation of my family. The women, as they do, go on.

I find myself reflecting on the lessons I am being given with these deaths. At being able to watch the process of grief play out across the family and related community. At participating in the grief myself, to varying degrees of visibility. For one thing: funerals, of  some type or another, are vital for those of us still living. Even my father, the atheist, was comforted by the funeral mass held for his wife (no body, just a glorious picture of her in a black frame with flowers in a vase nearby). He didn’t expect it, and was doing a mass only because something was needed and it was the most familiar framework for those attending.  But it helped him.

My grandfathers had the more traditional viewing (which some call a wake, but unless there is booze and singing, it ain’t a wake in my book) of the body, followed by a funeral the next day, and the burial. My father’s father had a military funeral — no mass, just readings and music and the casket draped with the flag. My mother’s father will have a catholic mass (another opportunity for those of us who no longer practice to be conspicuous as we do not stand to take communion) followed by a military funeral. (No 21 gun salute — mom nixed that — but Taps will be played).

My grandfather, the one being buried later today, was not embalmed. I am now in agreement with not doing so, in as many cases as possible. If only for the environment, and to allow the natural process of decay to work faster. But also because the embalmed and painted bodies I’ve seen don’t look a whole lot other than what they are: dead. I find it incredibly creepy when someone exclaims “He looks so good!” I know they mean well, but only tact prevents me from answering sarcastically.

Achieving Your Goals

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What do you do now that you achieved your goals?

This thought came to me yesterday as I was puttering around the house and it seemed that it was at the core of my recent ‘down’ mood; or at least an adjunct to the reason. What do I do now?

The portions of my goals that have not been attained are our of my hands (e.g. becoming well-known in the pagan world, be invited to speak at events) as they are dependent on other’s opinions and perspectives. I now refer to myself (with humor!) as the most widely-published pagan no one has ever heard of. Although I suppose I must admit that what I write about may just bore others to tears.

In the meantime I live debt-free, in a house I own and can afford on my own but with the aid of my partner will be paid off in 1/2 the time. I have a job I mostly enjoy where I can use my abilities to their limits and am compensated appropriately. I have a loving partner who thinks I’m the bees knees. I live in a beautiful place of the world. My coven is growing tighter and stronger with each crisis met and defused. My students are fascinating and the new module program is working out the way we’d hoped. (Maybe even better.)

I am respected by people *I* respect — Taylor Ellwood, Lupa, Macha Nightmare, Barbara Ardinger, Christopher Penczak . . .

My health is good (if not perfect). My friends and family are doing well, and are good people who I can love and learn from.

I’ve written, and published, two books that may not be smashing successes, but are unique and interesting and good (darn it!) as well as well-written. No one can ever say that I’ve re-written what was already ‘out there’.

I speak in public (overcoming that fear) and am enjoyed by the audience.

So many blessings, why so sad?

Perhaps because I have achieved those external goals that I set out for myself. I still have some goals (the usual things, like lose weight, do yoga every day, etc.) but the big ones, the ones other’s would notice have all been achieved. Am I really feeling like ‘there isn’t anything left’?

That is absurd.

But insidious, and perhaps correct. I am reminded of a book title, it goes something like: “After Enlightenment, the Laundry.” Can I just keep on doing the laundry? Will it be enough to keep me satisfied.

What I am Listening To

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I no longer have the most eclectic musical taste of any one I know . . . but my interests are varied and wide-ranging. More to the point, I keep it on hand in a variety of formats, so I rarely ever listen to an album, or an artist.

Instead, I mostly listen to my ‘hell mix’ . This is when I turn my 400-CD changer (yes, four-zero-zero) on random and let it play whatever comes up. Or, when I’m working on my computer, I choose my entire musical collection and let it play random songs. (My entire collection is those 400 CDs, plus a bunch of music I don’t think is great for company — like the five Gabrielle Roth albums I own. Good to listen to in a variety of settings, but not when you are trying to have a conversation. I keep it all on 500gb drive.)

My computer’s music player has a ‘rating’ system, so I can indicate, track by track, how much I like it, and presumably how often I want to hear it in the future. This is a small feature, but very cool. Because while I like a lot of Prince, there are tracks he’s done that I find odious. A comment that can be made about many many artists.

Having my music on the computer means that one of my favorite activities is incredibly easy: making albums. Ever since I got my first tape recorder and albums I’ve been making albums of my own collections of music. I usually start with a theme and then go from there.

For example: last year I put together ‘Summer heat: 2006’.

  • Ready for Action: Crystal Method
  • Black Sun: Dead Can Dance
  • Flamethrower: J. Geils Band
  • Summer Wine: The Corrs (featuring Bono)
  • Miami: Will Smith
  • Burning Down the House: The Talking Heads
  • Lemon Firebrigade: Haircut 100
  • Summer Daze: Luscious Jackson
  • Honey: Venus Hum
  • Burn: Sister Machine Gun
  • Manic Star: Conjure One
  • Dogs of Lust: The The
  • Black Dog: Tracy Bonham
  • Summer Breeze: Type O Negative
  • You Sexy Thing: Tom Tom Club
  • Beds Are Burning: Midnight Oil
  • World in My Eyes: Depeche Mode
  • Euphoria (Firefly): Delerium
  • Get the Party Started: Pink
  • Bodyrock: Moby

Twenty songs, 80 mins of joy. As weird a collection as it is, it works.

More on RWB

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There’s been a lot of name-calling, just-this-side-of-slander/libel (I can’t remember which is in print and which is verbal, and given the current state of confusion about what constitutes verbal and written when posting on a blog, I’m going to leave it as it is), and general ill-will.

All of the authors who were to present at the RWB have withdrawn and so the event has become “AJ’s Ball.” In a community where it can be very difficult to find solidarity, this is an impressive show of support — for NOT condoning magick with a negative purpose. Let me be clear: this is not support of the Frosts, it is a condemnation of ritual sacrifice of two people (or their ‘followers’) who have not agreed to be the sacrifice.

I’m not much of one for physical sacrifice in a ritual setting. I’ve burned paper, buried stones, poured out water . . . but the only time I sacrificed blood was my own, for a private ritual, and I’ve only ever used poppets for healing. Perhaps the burning of effigies is common to ‘football games and high school rallies’ (as AJ has stated) but I’ve never seen it. And I’m not sure I would have stayed if I had.

Using violence to change the way things are is often a way to become a terrorist. I’m Irish, and I’ve always supported the withdrawal of the English from Northern Ireland.  But I have never supported the IRA’s terrorist tactics against ordinary people. I see the need for the warrior, the sad necessity of occasionally going to war — but wars need to be fought only between warriors, and not include their kin, their homes, or the innocents.

Solstice, one of the moderators on the paganantion boards, and a main person in the ritual (now called the sacrifice to caring) contacted me and discussed the ritual with me. I am oathbound not to reveal any details, but what she told me differs GREATLY from the original statements, and intentions, of AJ Drew.  The evolving ritual focuses less on individuals and more on harmful actions, for one thing.

So much so, that I offered suggestions for clarity, and may even join the planning committee. (They are discussing it.) This is not a ‘done deal’ but a furtherance of a healing of this community. As a priestess, if I can do so, I must.

It may all come to naught, but I am bound by my oaths to try and trust in the  God/dess that it will all come out for the best.