Category Archives: Health

I forgot to mention

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that I was also scheduled for an MRI yesterday.

It didn’t go so well.

The MRI went badly — I couldn’t finish it. I’d forgotten that they would have to inject me with a dye (for the contrast) and that makes a 15 min process more like 30. Mentally I could deal with that, but then my shoulder started to cramp up and I had waves of pain. . . I was working the relaxation imagery and calm breathing …like nobody’s business, all to no avail.

Moreover, the machine was unable to ‘find’ a series of images and they had to be redone, so my 15 mins of initial images turned into 30. I could NOT stand it anymore and I pulled the plug on the entire event.

But I still have to do it. I’m wondering if taking a muscle relaxant will help?

In other news, the class was fine. I’m sure you’ll be surprised that I was singled out as a leader (“But you’re so articulate!”) and have form/joined a study group.

What I Look Like

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Hair! (I’m told it’s kid of cute.)

Energetically I’m doing well. I still get tired long before I used to, and I’m not sleeping through the night, which isn’t good for my energy.

Today I am not doing well at all. I got some bad news that I am struggling with. I don’t mind the criticism I received, I just mind that it came out of nowhere and there was no discussion. A decision was made and I didn’t get to have a chance to change, or offer input, or anything.

Worse, the decision was based on my performance during chemo. So, at a time when I was struggling, daily, I was being measured against a very high standard. I failed, and now I’m being punished.

I have to be fair: you aren’t hearing the other side of the story, and — as I said — the criticism is absolutely true as far as my part goes. I’m just feeling really bad right now. REALLY bad.

A year ago . . .

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A year ago, J.and I had dinner with some friends and this picture was taken:

So much has changed since then, huh?

Now I’ve replaced a breast with a BLO, am regrowing hair lost in chemo, and 10 pounds heavier. I’m also a non-smoker and in better health than I have been since my 20s. I’ve learned that I am, at core, incredibly resilient.

I also learned who my friends really are and what generosity truly means.

Today I’m not packing. I’ll be doing cleaning-type things — laundry, dishes, and the bathrooms — as well as some general organizing. The weather has cooled, so it’s a pleasure to be bopping around.

Picture!

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Here’s what I look like today:

As you can see, the hair is definitely coming back. Looks like I’ll still have all the silver I had before (it’s on the sides, predominantly, which doesn’t show up well in the photo).

You may also notice that I definitely have color in my face and skin once again. I am getting healthy!

(and yes, I promise I will do posts to get you caught up on Ashland, my ankle, and life in general.)

It Just Doesn’t Stop

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2010 has been a crap of a year so far. Actually, my 42nd year has pretty much sucked. The proof is that I was told I have breast cancer about a week after my  42nd birthday.

It just hasn’t stopped.

We went to Ashland this last weekend, rented a house with friends; saw some plays, ate yummy food, drank yummy wine, and had excellent conversations. I also fell down, hard and am currently nursing a sprained ankle OR a broken bone in my foot. (I’ll know the x-ray results tomorrow.)

Sasha is going to see a neurologist next week so we can find out (hopefully) what is wrong with her.

On top of all of that is the really sad news: my grandmother is dying. Its my father’s mother and although it isn’t entirely unexpected, it is still a surprise. She is in a skilled nursing unit, and being seen by hospice services. She is mostly very comfortable, but unaware of her surroundings. She will not recover, her death is inevitable, and I’m very sad.

So, I’m ok; it’s just still a bit of a unsettled life ’round here.

Things Are Better for Me

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I’m doing better at coping with the slow recovery, I think. At least I’m not so whiny as last week.

Last week I managed to walk Sasha 2x/day for 15 mins each. Sunday morning I walked her around the block (which is about 25 mins). It was a huge accomplishment for me. Better still, I’ve done that every day (except today). Moreover, J. and I have been starting to do strength training in the evenings. M-W-F are focused on the upper body, T-Th-S on the lower body. It’s early days yet to say how its going, but I have high hopes.

I’ve learned that I just won’t exercise regularly if its up to me. Aside from walking the dog, that is (and that’s a chore). I need a partner, someone to be accountable to, to talk to, and to go with. That is a tough admission to make, it breaks my ‘I can do it alone’ image.  Yes, I still cling to that even after this nine months of not doing anything alone (except suffer). The upshot of this increase in exercise means that I am quite sore from shoulders to feet. Which is uncomfortable . . . but necessary. I’m not ‘over’ doing it — I just am very weak and out of shape, so basically doing anything other than the ordinary is an effort. Effort = building muscles/ shedding fat (we hope). So, I start slow and work my way into larger and larger efforts.

Right now, for example, 15 mins of strength training is my limit. Luckily, I have good form and can pace myself well.

My goal(s): walk 2x/day 25 and 15 mins and strength training for 15 mins.

Other than that: J. and I are off to Ashland for the weekend.

I am not in a good mood

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It’s been lingering all day. I didn’t sleep well last night, that’s the first problem; but I just haven’t been able to shake a deep sense of . . .  BLAH.

I spent some time ‘sitting’ with the blah and came to two realizations: part of it is tiredness, but the other part is a reaction to the chemo. (Hold your ‘duh’ reaction justa  moment, please.) You see, I’m ‘supposed’ to be back to normal. Or something akin to normal.  Instead I’m still having trouble sleeping, I’m still experiencing food cravings, my body hurts (somewhere, all of the time), I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (and not comfortable with it), and I’m having hot flashes. (On the bright side, my brain seems to be working more-or-less normally again.)

It’s damned uncomfortable being me right now.

The only thing that will fix this is time and hard work. Time will take care of the body aches and the cravings and the sleeping. It will also presumably lead to an increase in my energy. Hard work will take care of the weight gain, leading to an improvement in the aches and an overall feeling of increased vitality.

But I don’t have any motivation at the moment, plus it is HARD to even walk (still). I’m doing it, twice a day. But I am so not motivated to do anything else.

(/start whine) It’s HARD getting much of anything done. (/end whine)

Walking!

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It’s been 3 1/2 weeks since the last chemo session, and it’s been a hard recovery time for me. I’ve been physically exhausted, compounded by not sleeping well or through the night. My spirits have been good, my attitude generally positive, but the lack of physical fitness has been disturbing.

Having to work last week was an unexpected setback.

Mostly, I haven’t even been able to walk as long as 15 minutes. Until a day or two ago, I couldn’t even go 5 minutes without feeling wobbly — like I’d run a marathon. Going up and down stairs too many times would produce the same feeling of exhaustion in my leg muscles, complete with pounding heart.

I am the heaviest weight of my life, all because I can’t move more than briefly without wanting to fall over. It’s been a terrible time, and a terrible feeling.

Now, I’m not one to give in to adversity (a blessing and a curse, of course), so I’ve been trying to get out with J at least for the evening Sasha walk. By slowly pushing it, I could make it as far as 10 minutes.

Today, however, I took Sasha for a 15 min walk all by myself. (It was even raining.) Although I feel tired, I do not feel exhausted. This is a huge step forward. HUGE.

And yes, I realize its a screwed up life when you need to celebrate walking for 15 mins.

I was supposed to be resting this week

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I planned to have this week as another recuperative week . . . and really, honestly, I should have kept to that.

But an email exchange on Sunday night at 9pm prompted me to get into the office, and I’ve been work 3/4 days since then. Evenings have been new-house focused (Mon we looked at ‘upgrades’, Tues and tonight are the last of the Realtor interviews). So these have been long days.

I give so much at work, I have no energy for anything else. Not good. Physically, this is taking its toll. I am barely able to muster the energy to walk the Miss at night, and certainly not 2x/day . . . as I’d hoped I would this week.

That’s all I have for now. I’m looking forward to more energy later.